I don't write as often as I used to but today I wanted to take a few moments and write down some of my thoughts and reflections. It has been 10 years since the single most difficult day of my life, the day my son died in my arms. The day I handed his small, lifeless body over to a stranger, knowing I would never hold him again.
It's not a day for cake. It's a day for tears. It's a day that I feel very alone no mater how many people surround me.
A lot has changed in the last decade. When Noah died I was almost 25 years old. I had been married for 2 years. I was really just figuring out being a grown up, a wife and a mom. I was trying so hard to get it right. To handle it well. Sometimes it all felt like a bad dream... like it wasn't really happening.
Ten years later I can tell you it really happened. I don't need to be pinched. His pictures hang on my wall and on a day like today I can almost feel his softness, smell his baby smell and hear his little sounds. But more than that I can almost see him standing next to his big brother David. As much as I want my son back for me, sometimes I wish David could have his brother back more.
Even though no good comes from the what if's and if only's, a lot of good has come from the time we shared together and from the ten years that have passed. A lot of grieving, crying, sadness and a lot more love, perspective, and thankfulness.
So even though it goes without saying, I miss my son. I wish he was here. I still grieve my loss and I always will.
And when Naomi is teething and wakes up more times than I can count Noah is here reminding me to be thankful for the middle of the night moments to comfort her. And when Joshua gets away with something in his cute 3 year old way it's because I waited years wondering if I would have another son to love. And it's why as a family when we can chose TIME with each other over anything else in this world and we MAKE MEMORIES.
So thank you Noah for the memories. The movements and kicks when I was growing you in my tummy. Your first cry, loud and strong as you were born into this world. And the 28 days we held you, fed you and loved you on this earth. And thank you for the last 10 years that even when you couldn't be physically present in our family you are still so much a part of the way we live and the way we love.
