100 Days

Today Jonathan and I spent the day together and attended "Remembering Our Children" at the Chan Center & Cheing Family Atrium. There are a lot of highlights I will take with me, a few stories and quotes in particular.

One thing that was helpful was the explanation of grief that one of the mothers gave. She lost her 13 year old son to cancer in 2005 and shared with us a bit of her journey. She explained that grief is our feelings deep inside us of sadness, loss, frustration, anger and mourning is the outward act of releasing and experiencing that grief. We need to go to the place we can grieve so that our feelings come out and get dealt with. There are many different ways to get to our grief and Jonathan and me are learning more about how to go to that place and deal with our sadness. One of the things she suggested was to do something new. For her it was biking and for me it has been gardening. I can't hold my son but I can make something grow (or not grow if we are talking about the weeds). It gives me a space to be in for this new part of my life which will always be with me. When she explained how "finding something new" was important for grieving I understood why gardening has been so peaceful for me. In some strange way it is like spending time with our loved ones.

Someone also shared a story from a book which you may have heard before. It was how a grandfather explaining grief to his grandson. He said that he had two barking wolves inside him and they were fighting with each other. One wolf was love, peace, and forgiveness... the other wolf was anger, sadness and hatred. The grandson asked which wolf would win and the grandfather responded which ever one I feed.

A poem was read by a young girl mourning the loss of her sister. A few songs were song. There was a slide show including a picture of Noah and each parent sighed as their child's picture was displayed. It was very sacred. Names were read of children who died this last year. And there was not a dry eye in the house when we sang "twinkle, twinkle little star"... having sung as many lullaby's as I could fit in while Noah's breathing slowed to an end I couldn't manage to get out one word but I can say that today helped take me to my place of grief so that I could heal a little bit more.

Afterwards we made a candle in remembrance of Noah and Jonathan and I went to Steveston just to spend some time reflecting and talking about him. We had a nice time together and had fish and chips and ice cream before returning home. Not an easy day for us but an important one... today also marks 100 days without Noah.

I heard this song a little while ago and I knew that we were approaching 100 days without Noah. Some of the lyrics reflect what we have been feeling in these last 100 days without him. Many of you will know the song, popular about 4 years ago I think... I have posted the words for anyone who wants to have a read.

Here Without You

(3 Doors Down)

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate

Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight its only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight its only you and me