4 years

On February 7th Jonathan made a special batch of ice cream and we put together an ice cream cake to celebrate Noah's birthday and the time we had him here with us. David knew the next day was Noah's birthday because we had told him why we were making the cake. That night David took our "I can Only Imagine" book from Noah's shelf and brought it to bed with him. He asked me to sing the song for him. (Sue sang this song for us at Noah's funeral and a dear friend gave us a book with the words to the song when Noah passed away). David said that he remembered Noah. "I remember sitting on the couch with Noah and having our picture taken.... but I don't remember everything." I told him it was okay not to remember everything... he was only 20 months old when Noah died.
Yesterday morning at 3:30am I woke up, realized it was February 8th and began to cry knowing my sweet Noah would be turning 4. I cuddled up with Jonathan and shared my tears a bit and then went back to sleep. After we got up for the day when the kids were having breakfast we looked through Noah's pictures together on the computer.
Jonathan and I were able to have a few more moments to ourselves in the morning while Grandpa watched the kids. It was nice to have some quiet time just the two of us. After watching the kids Rob then went home to prepare a family dinner and we gathered together to celebrate Noah's Birthday. (Thank you Grandpa Rob for taking this on last minute!)
After dinner when it was time to get the kids home to bed David started having a bit of a melt down. We thought it was just too much TV 11 too much dessert and it was passed bedtime. The melt down continued on our drive home. Jonathan put him in his bed and talked to him for quite a while. I went in to say goodnight and the real reason he was upset came out... he wanted Noah to be here with us. He even expressed his anger at God that Noah wasn't here. It is hard for all of us to understand but as David gets older and continues processing his brother's death he begins to grieve on new levels (we were told this often happens when small children lose someone they love). David wanted to go through Noah's pictures so I told him we could do that in the morning.
This morning we watched the "Sweet Sweet Baby" picture slide show that our NILMDTS photographer Jane put together for us. That's one slide show I will never get through without tears. The one line that got me most... at least today is... "Sweet Sweet Baby...can you save me?.. save me from a night without you... Sweet Sweet Baby, can you save me? The way that I am born to save you."
When we learned that Noah had Trisomy 13 and that he would not likely survive many people said that God chose me to be his mother (and I believe He did chose us to be Noah's parents just as He chose us to be David, Angeline, Samara, and this next Baby's parents)... and in a way we did "save him"... though the choice wasn't as easy or as black and white as it may have seemed. Though Noah is no longer here... though we haven't been "saved from a night without him" he did save us in many ways through the lessons we learned. I wish I could be saved from all the nights without my Baby Boy... and all the many nights still to come. In the nearly 4 years since Noah died we have "learned" how to go on through the difficult times, through the birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. Some things may seem easier but I've really noticed this year that one thing in particular gets harder. There are now 4 years that separate us from our time together... and next year there will be 5.