(It is now July 2013 and I realized that there were some posts on this blog that remained "Drafts" unintentionally. I never really finished this one which is why it remained a draft I guess but I thought I would post it anyway, unfinished)...
I have not writen much about our objective this summer. Late May we had a counceling session and it was good for us to talk about how things had been going since Noah died. The more we talked and listened to each other the more we realized that something needed to change. Since late October when we were told our baby boy was unlikely to survive we have been swimming (sometimes drowning) in a River of Grief. I sometimes count the months from March 6th but the truth is our hearts have been bleeding for much longer then that. I use the analogy of a river because I can not think of an image that better describes the emotional experience of the past 10 months. Water is both life giving and life encompacing. When we went for our ultrasound we were confident and calm... at that point we were walking along side the river enjoying its beauty. Before we could take a deep breath we had been thrown into the friged water and the next three days felt like drowning. Keeping our heads above water was all we could manage as we tried desperately to grab hold of something, anything. Jonathan was tosed one way and I another... we were completely separated by the crashing waves and turning currents. Then the water got a bit shallower and we were reunited. Noah's diagnosis was confirmed and numbly we moved into survival mode, preparing for the unknown waters up ahead.
I have not writen much about our objective this summer. Late May we had a counceling session and it was good for us to talk about how things had been going since Noah died. The more we talked and listened to each other the more we realized that something needed to change. Since late October when we were told our baby boy was unlikely to survive we have been swimming (sometimes drowning) in a River of Grief. I sometimes count the months from March 6th but the truth is our hearts have been bleeding for much longer then that. I use the analogy of a river because I can not think of an image that better describes the emotional experience of the past 10 months. Water is both life giving and life encompacing. When we went for our ultrasound we were confident and calm... at that point we were walking along side the river enjoying its beauty. Before we could take a deep breath we had been thrown into the friged water and the next three days felt like drowning. Keeping our heads above water was all we could manage as we tried desperately to grab hold of something, anything. Jonathan was tosed one way and I another... we were completely separated by the crashing waves and turning currents. Then the water got a bit shallower and we were reunited. Noah's diagnosis was confirmed and numbly we moved into survival mode, preparing for the unknown waters up ahead.
Since we have taken some time away we have been able to grieve to the point where we can smile and laugh as we talk about and remember Noah. We can look at his pictures and watch video's of him and feel happy inside instead of only heartach.
Jonathan went back to work earlier this month and when I counted the days we had "off" it was exactly 50 days.
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